Ok, about ten minutes after I posted that little ditty below, I’m back. Drunks are unpredictable, what can I say?

So, last night.

I don’t know why, or how, I’m still naïve enough to believe that whole “one drink” line. (You know it: “Come on, we’ll just meet up for one drink”.) I know that one drink will likely turn into two or three, but I really didn’t plan for it to turn into 4 drinks and 7 shots (yeah, I like getting shitty quickly - what’s up?).

If you read the last post, you know that, in true drunk fashion, I mixed it up last night. (I forgot to add beer to the list, too.) Generally, this is not a problem for me. Without exception, I am a very good drunk (Sean, that time that I threw keys at your head while you were sleeping was just for kicks. And I only did it because I knew that I wouldn’t hit you. I throw like a girl.)

When I drink, I get way funnier, much better looking (if you’re drinking with me), and very happy (because I’m drinking, duh). Doesn't matter what I'm drinking, or what combination of alcohol, it always adds up to pure fucking magic.

However, not everyone is as skilled in this department as I am. This became apparent last night when I was trying to order a round of shots for our group. While I shouted “Patron!” at the top of my lungs and all but rubbed limes over my nipples in anticipation, one of my friends quickly nixed that idea, saying that she “doesn’t do tequila”. (Well duh. It does you.)

But this got me thinking about different types of booze, and how it affects people. And since I’m a narcissist (hi, you’re on my website), how it affects me. The run down:

Whiskey: My go-to drink, and actually my first shot, ever. When I was 19 and first started going to bars I didn’t want to come off as “that underage girl” and order a Cosmo or some shit, so I did it right with a Budweiser and a shot of Jack. This turned into a love of Jack and Cokes, although I’ve since lost the Coke (trying to be healthier!).

If we’re drinking whiskey on the rocks, I can out-drink you. Easily.

Tequila: I’ve never had a tequila horror story, but it seems as though most everyone else has. (I’ll try harder.) It does turn me into an 18yr. old girl on spring break, however. With a couple of shots of Patron in me, I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to flash cameras and show you how very, very sexy I am. As you can imagine, it’s not pretty. Not at all.

Vodka: The gift that keeps on giving. A couple years back I was a drinking a shitload of vodka/cranberries (call it a Cape Cod and I’ll break your fucking hip) at a friend’s house and had reached my limit. I was supposed to meet my friends at a bar, and en route, I got sick.

Any other booze? Done. But with vodka? I walked in the bar, threw back a few more vodka/cranberries, and was fine. None of that ”Oh god, I can’t even smell that drink right now. Get it out of my face. Seriously”. This is the only alcohol that I can do that with (get sick off of and immediately return to drinking it - cause, you know, that shows good judgement). So that earns it a special place in my heart.

Rum: I like sugar. A lot. Sugar on anything, in anything, is good. For some reason though, I don’t drink a lot of rum. Some fucking pirate I am.

Gin: Earns the distinction of being the only booze that I could not drink for awhile, after getting horribly sick off of it. I think I’ve been away from it long enough for some make-up drinking.

Beer/Wine: I grouped these two together because I pretty much only drink beer or wine when I’m eating, and they both have the same effect on me. I get this lazily contented feeling that always sort of catches me off guard and surprises me with its gentleness (I don’t think my body knows what to do when not getting drunk at 90mph).

Despite the sweet, loving caresses that beer and wine lay on me, I don’t partake of these two all that often. I tend to view drinking as a race, and damn it, I’m out to win.

…

God, I’m thirsty. And I still hate Mondays.